Something like that

Wow, I just had the worst nightmare ever…like EVER. I don’t dare even tell it, that’s how horrible and sad it was. Have any of you had that one dream that scares you or just snaps you into reality? After I woke up, I just laid in bed and sobbed and sobbed…wanting the memory of that dream to go away. I had a headache when I woke up and everything. I can’t wait to make a phone call about it but seeing as its only a little after 6:30 in the morning, I have to wait. I think it was a wake up call honestly. There’s so many things in my life that are my constants. The everyday of the every day, the routine of the everyday, the normal carrying ons of our household. But there is one area of my life that I wish I could change…a relationship (not mine and my husband’s mind you, we’re Great) but a family relationship that’s been battered from years ago. The closeness I had and want to have again. I fear I may break down when I make that phone call but ya know, it’s ok. It’s going to be ok. Right now, all I can do is write about the feelings. The sadness, the humbling of it all, the fear and remorse and absolute guilt I had and still have.

Maybe I was wrong. All my life I wanted to just grow up. I think we all did when we were young. Just to grow up and move out, head for our own life as an adult. (This adult life is so overrated) Now I have, I’m 34 almost 35, I’ve been married for almost 16 years, we have two teens and a five year old, our own home, two dogs and a cat. But somewhere deep inside my heart, I’ve locked away that little girl I use to be behind bars and steal doors and a wall of bricks. I didn’t like myself back then, why let her out? That dream…oh that dream brought her to the fore front of my mind. I don’t think it was a coincidence. The Lord knows your heart. The Lord sees that little girl I’ve been and he sees the grown woman I’ve become. He knows my fears, insecurities and doubt. I can’t hide any of it at all, no matter how hard I try.

A beginning. Maybe the dream could be the beginning of a change in me concerning this subject. There’s always two sides but maybe If one side isn’t wiling to change, maybe this side can. I’m not against it, never have been. Never will be. To much of my life has been lived in fear. I guess part of growing up is learning to relinquish those fears. God says do not fear 365 times in the bible. That’s a do not fear for everyday of the year. Fear is crippling and solves nothing but to diminish your life and steal your joy. I’ve tried to be strong. I guess now it’s time to wear the shoe from the other foot. Put myself in a different perspective and grow. After all…I am a grown up now.