Something like that

Do any of you remember the exact moment when you actually realized  you were grown up…like an actual adult? Just stick with me. When I was a child, I couldn’t WAIT to grow up. I wanted to move out and have my own place and stay up late, the list goes on. I didn’t want any rules I just wanted to do what I wanted to do and that’s that. I swore to myself that I wasn’t ever having children and I wasn’t ever going to get married. I helped raise my nephew some and that was all I wanted to do with child rearing. I didn’t want to get married to anyone in fear of losing them, so I definitely said I wasn’t going to marry anyone whom was a first responder, whether it be a police officer, firefighter, paramedic etc.

I went out like almost every teenager does. I had pretty lenient parents for the most part so I of course partied on the weekends etc. totally irresponsible without question. Then, I found out I was pregnant as I was about to turn 18. Scared? Yes, was my dad going to be angry, yes. But, my older sister had her oldest son when she was 16 and so I figured I’d be alright since I was almost an Adult. There’s that word again…Adult. You know, even when I found out I was pregnant, I didn’t feel very grown up. It’s all a mental play on the word I think. My daughter had just turned four months old when I met…him. Oh he was everything I wanted in a guy. He was sweet and caring and man could he sing.He was a Paramedic (  yeah, you remember what I said up there right?) We dated about five months and then…got Married.

I think that’s when it really sunk in. Then, I was married and had a child, then, I had a whole new realm of responsibility. I never knew anything about this world in which I found myself in. My mom handled everything when I was at home. We didn’t have any responsibility while there and now I have dishes to wash and clothes to wash and a home to clean and a child to feed and the list goes on. I was a fresh 19-year-old woman with no idea how to live…life. I was thrown to the wolves. I had given my heart and soul to this wonderful man who was my hero. I never knew a feeling like that before and still sixteen years later, feel the same way. But at that time, it was all new to me.

I believe when I found out I was pregnant with my second daughter, is when I actually felt the part of  “Adult”.  I was still getting the hang of things sure but, mentally I think I finally realized that this was and is my life. I was caring for two children, trying to manage things at home as best as I knew how. My husband was working nights so he slept during the day. I grabbed the reigns and just kinda hung on for the ride. Now, I’m happy to say at almost thirty-five, I may have a small hold on this adult thing. Maybe not entirely, but more so than in the past. Once you realize it, it really makes you look like a complete fool when you look back at where you came from and all the mistakes you made. But, those mistakes you made in the past and lessons that were learned the hard way helped shape what you are today.

I use to be so hard on myself when I traveled back to my memories of the listless lazy me. But with lots of convincing from my husband, I get it now. I also now have knowledge of what to teach our now three daughters, not to do. So this “Adult” thing happens to all of us. Grab the reigns and hold on. Don’t beat yourself up over the past, it’s what helped you get to where you are today. We all have things we regret doing or not doing for that matter. It’s all part of this thing we call life. Thank God you are where you are and if you find yourself not quite where you want to be yet, pray for God’s  wisdom and guidance to get you where you need to be. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a little girl who wants her mommy to take her to bed and two Labs that want to come in to their comfy sofa.